Farewell 2017

Dear 2017,

You have been a quiet, gentle, steady, kind of year; less about adventure and achievement, more about finding an even keel and solid ground again. 2016 had slammed me hard, swept me into high and heavy waves, then dragged me deep into dark, murky depths; before it violently whisked me up and then mercilessly dragged me down again. When the tempestuous storm of torment finally relented, and ceased inflicting it’s rage on my defencelessness, my shipwrecked soul was left listless, floating aimlessly under cloudy skies. And there, dear 2017 you found me, and carried me quietly in your open palms, until I was ready to open my eyes, listen, and feel the world again.

We floated aimlessly for a while, as you quietly nursed me, allowing me to gradually regain some strength, until I was eventually ready to try slowly swimming again. I had lost all sense of direction, but you gently guided me, and as the seasons changed, the tide turned, and I felt the wind in my face as I became aware I was smiling again. As always my faithful dogs remained beside me, encouraging my progress, as they acutely observed my emotions, and offered their silent, unwavering, unconditional love and support.

You helped me find my feet, took me by the hand, and led me to quiet tranquil gardens, where I found beauty in the details, felt inspired by Mother Nature, and noticed my heart felt less heavy. I wandered quiet pathways through masses of delicate cow parsley, and looked up to find huge leafy canopies protectively covering me. I wandered by the waters’ edge listening to its gentle ripples, and along shady woodland paths, inhaling the rich aromatic fragrances of earth and life blossoming.

You brought me to a house that felt like home before I had even decided to buy it, and gave me a gift of creativity, to lead me forward as ideas took shape and plans formed. The house became my home, and I became part of a village, as life seemed to start flowing smoothly again. I discovered beautiful walks with the dogs, was charmed by now reassuringly familiar views, found treasures in the wildlife, delighted in the changing seasons, and even started to contemplate gardening.

A whole year passed without my Dad, but we discovered we had somehow got through it, and celebrated his life in the September sunshine. There is still a ‘Terry Darby’ shaped hole in my world, as I find myself wishing he was here to witness this new chapter of my story, but the love didn’t die, and that carries me onward. Sometimes the tears still catch me unexpectedly, as if the love fills up in my heart, but has no where to go, so overflows in grief, quietly lamenting his absence, or wishing we could share a memory. I hear him in my heart, encouraging and advising, I see him in my attempts at handiwork (fixing the fence, painting the summerhouse), as if he’s helping with skills he taught me. And as I watch the red kites that gracefully play, gliding on the thermals, circling above me, I hope that he’s having fun in whatever realm he inhabits, because an energy as strong as his, cannot simply cease, and must be somewhere; vibrant, forceful, loving, funny, direct, challenging, determined, persistent, caring, amusing, and always laughing.

Autumn faded into winter, as the winds swept the leaves from the trees, but you kept me cosy in favourite cashmere sweaters, and snuggled with the dogs by open fires. You dropped a thick blanket of snow, that sparkled under clear blue skies, a wonderland of white that stopped the traffic and made cheeks rosy. Our home stood peacefully and regally, as the dogs chased around the garden, pure joy in the crisp, white, icing on our cake, and I knew we were happy. Christmas appeared, the decorations once more felt like fun after many years, and the house was full of festive cheer.

And now it’s time to let you go, the year that held my hand and steadied me when life felt so empty and uncertain. I’m not sure what the future holds, and I’m still not sure of my direction, but I do know, that because of you, I have hope again, and I’m happy to see where that leads me, in 2018. Thank you 2017, you have been kind to me x

{Photo: sadly uncredited, via Pinterest; words by me, Hayley Darby © 2017}