Big blots & little blots

bath blot

Good Morning everyone!! Today I woke gently, drifting between here and there as I hung out in the shallows for a while, enjoying the waves of dreams that gently washed over me. Eventually the day seeped into my consciousness with all it’s plans and responsibilities, so I stretched my full length and grabbed a robe to make my way downstairs for coffee.

Another dull, grey, day greeted me as I smiled gratefully at my knight in shining armour, aka my coffee machine, and the rich, dark elixir hissed into the mug. As I sat on the sofa contemplating the clouds in my coffee, the sun emerged to bounce off geraniums on the window sill, and sparkle generously, a reminder that spring, like hope returns eventually. After breakfast I practiced my presentation, I’m still nervous but I think I’m improving. One of my biggest stumbling blocks is that when I make a mistake talking to myself, it’s too tempting to stop and start again, rather than talk my way through it. Of course we all make mistakes, and in normal conversation our thoughts seem to fit the speed of our speech, but as I practice my presentation I realize they race ahead and panic.

I took a break to run a hot bath and lay amidst oils of lavender, ylang ylang and petigrain, I thought about other mistakes I have made and how to carry on. We can’t always fix everything that gets broken, but we can admit our faults and change direction. Then there are times when the mistakes seem to dominate a situation, like a big blot of ink on a page of otherwise neat handwriting. Some blots we can live with, small errors that illustrate our authenticity; others seep too deeply into the paper and mar the work that we’re proud of. Sometimes we just have to recognise that the big blots are too distracting, and it’s worth screwing up that particular piece of paper and starting again. Of course this doesn’t apply to the presentation I’m practicing, but there are some mistakes I’ve made that are too big to ignore, and the lovely thing is, there’s a beautiful blank sheet of paper waiting, and I’m ready to begin!

I hope you have a gorgeous day, whatever you’re up to, and that you don’t let the little errors upset you, but also that you realize you don’t have to live with the big ones. Sometimes life has a funny way of letting us know when it’s time to move on, and maybe that dirty, great, ink blot happens to be one of them.

{Photo sadly uncredited, via Pinterest}

Sleepless nights & perspective

winds

Good morning everyone! Today I woke late after a few hours sleep that occurred between the restless hours of waiting for my brain to shut up and leave me peacefully dreaming. It seems my cerebral activity was busy, ruminating on realizations and possibilities, stuck on a loop of endlessly searching for answers, which just kept disappearing around the corner as I approached them. The problem was, that despite the futility, I couldn’t stop chasing them; and I wandered deeper and deeper into my own psyche, getting more lost at every turn in a maze that’s apparently still growing. I woke this morning, finding myself deposited back on my pillow, rather rumpled and dehydrated, with a kingsize headache. I lay for a while, hoping it was a temporary fixture, but eventually crawled out from under the duvet in search of painkillers, washed down with coffee.

I sat on the sofa, analyzing my sleeplessness. I had worked late on my laptop, trying to figure out slides for a presentation, and guess my brain just got over-stimulated; or maybe when I was over-tired and vulnerable there was more room for uncertain feelings to squeeze in, and upset the equilibrium. Or maybe I’m just nervous about presenting to a large, unknown audience and am fearful in anticipation. Whatever the reason, I woke this morning feeling ridiculous and exhausted, knowing that I needed perspective that was clearly lacking at 3am.

It’s definitely a double latte kinda day, so I sat with my comforting mug and a heap of old photos, you know the kind before digital cameras, arranged neatly in albums that I haven’t looked at in ages. I flicked through images of history I’d captured, glimpses of past holidays, parties, picnics and special occasions. I smiled at the faces I’d shared them with and noticed the gifts of my youth I had taken for granted. I critiqued my younger wardrobe choices; no, pink was never my colour, and I still have that little denim dress, (although I no longer fit into it). I noticed the changes, and the things that remained the same, and knew that despite the upsets, I wouldn’t live it differently.

I perused my past, feeling nostalgic, wondering what I’d worried about then that was no longer important, and realized that I probably won’t be bothered about half the concerns that keep me awake currently that far in the future either. So I gave myself a moment to appreciate the person I was, before I became the person I am, and noticed that I’m doing OK, despite the worrying. The only thing that’s holding me back from growing into the person I want to become, is me, and if I survived the mistakes of the past, I’m pretty sure I can style it out through those in the future too. Stepping out of our comfort zone is the key to growth, and I guess we’re going to have to keep on making mistakes to find opportunities for learning. Today I’m going to focus on making the mistakes of the past worth the mistakes of the future. I’m accepting that I might be a bunch of flaws stitched together with good intentions, with a few scars and reminders, but that I’m going to keep on failing to keep on learning.

Have a gorgeous day everyone, and if you get a moment try and remember what you were worried about in the past, that didn’t make it to your future; and maybe some of your current troubles will be easier to let go of! Live in the moment, make mistakes, forgive yourself, and enjoy being perfectly human : )) Blessings & love, Hxx

PS. Take more photos!
{Above photo sadly uncredited, via Pinterest}