A better start

Last night I was sad, not angry, not bitter, not frustrated or even exasperated, just disappointed, and so, so, so, sad. Sometimes people and situations aren’t what they seem and the disappointment felt when we realize we’ve made a mistake about someone/something we believed in, is a painful fact to assimilate. I talked things through with a trusted few, trying to comprehend events and explore my feelings. My team were understanding and supportive, I’m exceptionally blessed with those valued friendships that demonstrate caring concern and generously provide an empathetic soundboard as well as a thoroughly appreciated sanity check. I think women more than men discuss their trials not so much in search of solutions and advice, rather to validate their feelings, and check whether they have missed an alternative viewpoint. As emotional creatures we often seek clarity via an objective perspective of a subjective issue, and it is easier to see past those emotional factors once they have been acknowledged and appreciated, rather than dismissed; since dismissing how we feel somehow devalues our worth, as if it doesn’t matter how we have been affected. Furthermore suppression of feelings can often lead to depression, and manifest in a multitude of esteem damaging behaviour and beliefs, so I believe it’s always better to acknowledge them, the good and the bad, but not to dwell on those that keep us trapped in our emotions.

So yesterday, I was sad; quietly composed, calm, collected and sorrowfully searching for the learning amongst the errors. This is not my usual response, I have to admit, I’m one of those women who isn’t afraid to express my dissatisfaction, and tend to think what I say, say what I think; which I’m very aware makes me an acquired taste. As a heart over head type, I am also prone to sensitivity, which if handled badly can be expressed as a fiery hot temper, which betrays me from time to time, when I am silently bleeding within. Attack often reflects heightened vulnerability, very human, not admirable, something I’m working on. However yesterday, the rage and fury, tears and accusatory defence were absent, not necessary. Instead, a void within swelled with sorrow, a fluid heavy mass that sloshed about like a powerful wave threatening to break, but instead just trickled over the edges and dripped into a pool of disappointment.

I put down the phone and started to analyse my understanding from different perspectives, attempting to account for the perceived agenda’s of the other players involved. I peeled off my pride, and shed my expectations, getting down on my knees to fathom the sadness. I waded into that uncomfortable place, exposed and searching, to feel the painful realizations wash over me. I let go of the need to be right, understood, or forgiven, and allowed myself to feel the weight of my sadness, as it soaked through my skin; then I took a deep breath and stood tall in the knowledge that my personal mistakes have not compromised my integrity, that my bravery has not let me shrink from responsibility, and walked back to a place of peace. I sat on the shore, with my knees drawn up to my chest, providing a place for my chin to rest as my heavy head told my heavy heart, that this information is a gift, acceptance and acknowledgement of which will provide a clearer path to move forward. Then I floated, feeling empty in the darkness, as the sweet oblivion of sleep claimed me.

This morning I woke early, barely slipping into consciousness before memories flooded my thinking, but they were accompanied by the welcome return of restored self-belief and a strength based on the purity of my intentions. Sometimes we need to take time to investigate uncomfortable feelings, and allow them to guide us through the challenges presented, I assure you that searching within is the most direct route to the answers that matter, and knowledge is power. Wishing you a beautiful day, and hope you are smiling, as I assure you I am, after all it’s a fresh new day and although some mistakes will doubtless creep in, those flaws that arise from a source of good intent are just part of the lessons we’re here to learn. Blessings & love, Hxx

{Photo sadly uncredited via Pinterest from hotphotography.tumblr}

6 thoughts on “A better start

  1. Stars shine the brightest in the darkness:-) You are a bright, sparkling, twinkling, glittering beauty. Shine on for all the world to see. Through the darkness, through the pain, you will reign! Blessings and lovable hugs.<3E

  2. Stars shine the brightest in the darkness:-) You are a bright, sparkling, twinkling, glittering beauty. Shine on for all the world to see. Through the darkness, through the pain, you will reign! Blessings and lovable hugs.<3E

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