Still wondering..

Today I realized my mistake, but made it again anyway, countless times until it became a habit; a guilty secret; shameful, painful, human nature. Turning over those feelings I can’t quite place, am afraid to label, impulsively tossing them away as rubbish, yet retrieving them almost immediately, because I miss their grip on my heart, unable to give up on something, which is nothing, except hopefulness.

Today I seemed to carry with me an imperceptible spell, drawing attention to my presence as I tried to hide my vulnerability. I collected smiles and attracted glances as I strode confidently into compliments, grinning whilst gliding away, yet carrying that girl’s heart inside the woman I appear to be. The girl who is too tall, too skinny, cares too much, talks too much, wants to do so much, know so much, searches for beauty, craves understanding, suffers wanderlust, and dreams of following her heart somewhere worth going; and wonders quietly if someone is brave enough to share the adventure.

I sat on the tube people watching, wondering what thoughts tumble around the feelings they carry in their hearts. I wondered if some of them even notice the feelings or whether thoughts obscure them completely, self-protection maybe. I wondered who they really were under the costumes they wore and the labels they have chosen: wife, father, manager, art student, tired doctor, caring mother, fashion victim, sexy secretary, funny guy, athletic type, responsible director, and a little boy asleep on his father’s lap (maybe a future astronaut or quantum physicist?). And I wondered why I am wondering about them, him.

And then I was there, back to the beginning again, my hands in my hair, stretching my neck, and sighing.. the girl, the woman, curious, thoughtful, sensitive, perplexed, unsure and still wondering.


{Picture sadly uncredited via Pinterest, Words ~Hayley Darby 24.Aug.2012}

6 thoughts on “Still wondering..

    • Dear Carrie, thank you so much for such heartfelt feedback, I really appreciate you! I think we all have such similar experiences that are part and parcel of being human, yet we’re often ashamed to admit them, and I think I do to share that we’re not alone. Our core desires to love and be loved are so human, and yet we crush them with our fear of vulnerability. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness; we cannot address our fears or our pain, until we acknowledge them! Blessings & love with a hug for your heart 🙂 Hxx

  1. Truth. Simple truth. I read your FB posts often and only today have found your blog. I’m a reader for life now. Today’s blog was a direct hit to my heart. My vulnerability has been taken advantage of and now, all I catch myself doing is contemplating the past and the inifinte truth I once knew. I’ve come to realize nothing is sacred and infinity can begin again. ❤

    • Dear Jessica, thank you so much for such a gorgeous message, I’m so flattered by your kind feedback. Vulnerability is a strength, we have to trust and risk heartache in order to grow, and the painful realisations are just as valuable to our journeys as the happiness we find when we’re brave enough to keep being vulnerable and loving anyway! Blessings to you with a whole heap of love, Hxx

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