The white tea cup

“What do you want?” He asked, and I bit my lip as I stared out the window.

Part of me wanted to want what I wanted before; and to tell him how passionate I am about my career, that I want to keep learning, researching, filling the gaps in my field that aren’t so generously funded, considered too complex, less viable. That I want to inspire, promote, support and champion sports nutrition for women. But somehow those lofty ideals of a doctorate no longer shine so brightly, my head is weary and my heart is heavy, and I’d rather climb Mount Kilimanjiro than envision my days ahead spent in the laboratory.

I wonder where my path is taking me, where do I want it to go? I know I want meaningful work, to touch souls, to share stories of struggling and vulnerability. I want to explore our human-ness, to promote compassion and kindness, health and happiness, to encourage and inspire, and make the world a better place. But oh how contrite that sounds! And it’s hardly the stage for a Miss World type of speech, besides I’m really not half so sweet, nor indeed up to any other aspect of the contest.

And I sigh, as I wipe the ‘nothing’ from my eye, because there are some dreams I pretend I‘ve out grown, things I’d barely dare admit to myself, afraid to acknowledge the regrets and the longing. And it’s just too painful to share with him or anyone else, a moment of wishful thinking that I push to the back of the drawer and hide again, amongst the other things without my name on them.

So what DO I want?

I want to greet each morning with smiling enthusiasm, to have the courage to follow my heart wherever it leads me, whatever it takes for a life full of passion.
I want a life of purpose, to make each day a bit better for someone somewhere,
I want to have armfuls of hugs and listening ears when people need them,
And to sparkle and shine brightly, especially when it’s cloudy and grey.
I want to explore the planet and write about beauty wherever I find it,
In sacred places and interesting faces, on rainy days and starry nights,
Amidst the waves, in urban jungles, and wherever I see the human spirit.

I want to get lost in books, drink poetry and feel the music.
I want champagne to tickle my tongue and to dance on tables.
I want spontaneous midnight swims and rambling conversations,
I want to laugh till my tummy hurts and to kiss salty tears away.
I want to run with the wind and ride horses along the shoreline,
I want to swim in the sea and float in the sunshine.

I want the friends that have helped me through troubled times,
To party till dawn as we journey together through life’s celebrations.
I want memories infused with fresh coffee and fragrant frangipani,
Salty skin and sun kissed shoulders, tender sentiments and moonlit waters.
I want to recall precious moments; watching the sunrise, sharing dreams,
Listening to the waves at night, whispered promises and children giggling.

I want to feel excitement running through my veins like pulsing electricity,
And be still in quiet moments of gratitude to feel the peace within me.
I want to look back at the end of my life and not wish I’d lived it differently,
I pray for the courage to recognize what’s important now and act accordingly.
I want to dare greatly, love bravely, forgive quickly, kiss deeply, and laugh insanely;
And I want to share the adventures with someone who loves me.

But that’s probably not exactly what your boss wants to hear on a Thursday afternoon in October, so I told him “I just don’t know”, and stared at the lipstick mark on my teacup.

{Photo sadly uncredited, words by Hayley Darby}

8 thoughts on “The white tea cup

  1. You have so much of this already. We are truly blessed as your followers to have you to show us that even puddles can sparkle, and one word at a time you are making the world a better place……

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