Closed doors and openings..

Today I talked with a friend about closed doors and open doors, and it reminded me of something I wrote a while ago, that I thought I’d share here too. ❤ Hxx

Good night everyone! Today I had a good day, and hope you did too. I saw several new patients this afternoon, and was acutely reminded of how sometimes, when we want something so badly, those things that make us hang on so tightly, tensing our jaws, fists, and every sinew in our being to make it happen; that we crush our spirit, reduce our world, and limit our happiness, waiting to achieve whatever it is that’s driving us crazy. I know how it feels, I’ve been there, worked my hardest, tried my absolute best, exhausted myself, cried to sleep, laid awake, clenched my teeth, drifted through days, and weeks with little room for appreciation, as my determination focused so intensely on my goal. And then eventually, somewhere, just a bit further beyond almost insane, a little voice in my head said “Really? Is it such a big deal? Is it so important? Is it the be all and end all? And do you really think you’re in control anyway?” At which point I shrugged my shoulders and dug my heels in, failing to acknowledge that my efforts were totally disproportionate to what I hoped to achieve and my energy expenditure was way off balance, and that I had been neglecting the really important things, like my health and the people who love me.

Sometimes we spend far too long, pounding and kicking, and frantically trying to open a locked door, which remains steadfastly closed to us in that precise moment. We fail in this situation to see the other options around us, to glance through the open and beckoning doorways to places we don’t really want to visit. We miss the opportunities for different, possibly better adventures, or even just alternative routes to the place we’re so intent on going. We’re stubborn, and resolute, and impatient, unbearably driven, determined, perpetually disappointed and often desperately unhappy, whilst we miss the joy of life we’re living because we’re waiting to get to ‘that thing’ we’re convinced is the key. Well each time I hear this, I’m reminded of a time, too many years ago to feel like it was happening to me; a memory that is at once so sharp in the anxiety, yet so far removed from my current aspirations, that I wonder who I was when it actually happened. All I can tell you is that when I got what I thought I wanted, the thing I fought for, and prayed for, bargained with God for, wished on every single star (several times over) for, that it didn’t make me happy, but left me feeling battered, and bruised and unbelievably empty. As if I had given up everything, in exchange for nothing worth having. Because in the end it was never mine, just an illusion, a very painful, heart-breaking, cruel trick that shook my confidence completely. But what it did actually give me was a valuable lesson. I learnt to let go, and breathe, and surrender, to accept life in all its rich possibility. It made me wonder what in the world I ever thought my life was about, gave me an opportunity to re-evaluate my beliefs, and re structure my dreams, and let my real life of purpose begin.

So if you’re stuck in that place, with your shoulder stuck in the frame, your forehead pressed against the door, as your laboured breath accompanies the silent tears that trickle down your face and neck, please take a moment to breathe, force yourself to take a step back, maybe several if you can manage it, and take a long hard look to gain some perspective. Is this what you really, truly, utterly desire beyond all doubt? Is it something that will truly enhance your life beyond all else? Is it the only solution to your problem? Is it an absolute necessity? Because if it is, then my prayers are with you. But just in case it’s not imperative to your life mission, in this precise way at this exact moment, I beg you to be kind to yourself, and consider what you will gain. Because the disappointment of achievement of something I wasted too much precious time and energy on, is one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn, and I’m still telling you this many years later, to remind myself never to go there, ever again. If things are meant to be, they will. Be patient, have faith, and let your heart lead the way ♥ Just turn around, and notice if there's an open door waiting.. Blessings & love, Hxx

{Photo sadly uncredited, words by Hayley Darby 8.March.2012}

2 thoughts on “Closed doors and openings..

  1. I am going through exactly what you have described. I am waiting and hoping for him to come back to me. I guess I have to step back and let go…. And yes, I hope to be in a place someday where this will all be a distant memory. However, my heart still aches for the loss of relationship and the thought of how could he have changed from loving me so much and what he has become now …..

    • Dear ‘Shabby’, my heart aches for yours, that’s such an awful place to be stuck, and I really do hope that you will be kind to yourself and find the courage to walk through some of those open doors, where love will be waiting for you somewhere. Blessings & hugs, Hxx

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