Good morning everyone!! Today I struggled to wake, resentful at being called from the darkness of sleep that wrapped so tightly around me. It was guilt that pulled me from my reverie; the hour was already late, the day quietly slipping away, and paperwork that I didn’t quite get around to yesterday kept drumming impatiently on my conscience. I looked at the time and sighed as I sank back into the plethora of pillows that make my bed such a comforting cocoon. Fatigue crept over me, threatening the return to dreams that seem so real, yet make no sense in reality, as I let the waves of hope wash over me.
I lay for a while, wishing things were simpler, then realised they are; I’m just complicating them with my hopes and fears, and scars and tears. Yet a simpler version of myself, without the history that brought me here, wouldn’t be me at all; and in a way I’m glad for the struggles that shaped me. I am certainly glad I didn’t end up where I once wanted to go (over a decade ago), when life ripped up the path I was on, and threw me off my feet, to land winded and hurt, crying in the dirt for too long, until I realised it was a blessing in disguise. One of my favourite songs ‘You can’t always get what you want’ (but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need) by The Rolling Stones plays in the background of my mind, and I smile wryly.
So I stretched my full length, pushing my toes into the cool brass of the bedstead, and got up for breakfast. It’s another grey day in London, but it’s not too cold, and it’s not raining. I opened the door and stood on the step, breathing in the day that smells earthy and damp; and calls me towards The Heath to walk through the misty woods, amongst familiar trees and memories, as I search for direction and clarity. I sat with my latte on the sofa, watching the clouds in my coffee, wondering will this all matter a year from now, ‘that depends’ says a voice inside, ‘that depends entirely on me’. See, some answers are simple, we are the complications.
I hope that your day is beautiful, and that you realise that wherever you are is in fact where you’re meant to be, and if it’s uncomfortable that you can trust it’s just part of the process. We’re all on a journey, and those difficult phases are where the character building occurs, as we learn what really matters, and find the strength and courage to pursue the right directions. Meanwhile, the direction I’m taking this morning is up the hill, through the village, and on to the Heath for a walk amidst the resilience of trees that have stood for centuries. With blessings & love ❤ Hxx